The first time Mina moved into her hostel, she noticed the cold attitude of her roommates. It was as if she needed to pay them to respond to her greetings based on the number of words in their responses.

One was actually sitting on her bed and the reluctance with which she stood up was impressive. She had paid for her bed and wasn’t there to beg for a place to sleep. Must she remind them of that obvious fact?

Perhaps, she thought, with time, they’ll get to know each other better and the cold will wane into a warm relationship.

But time passed and the cold got icier. The girls in her room were from rich homes. She noticed they hardly cooked. They ordered most of their meals and were always on their phones talking with a boyfriend – about last night, what movie they’ll be watching together when they meet…

Most of the conversations centered on very petty issues and Mina marveled that their boyfriends had time to listen to such nonsense, conversations that went on for hours without end.

Sometimes their boyfriends visited, and at night she had to close her ears and turn away from seeing things. Initially, she condemned them in her mind. But with time as the loneliness set in, she began to envy the companionship they enjoyed.

She was determined to focus on her studies. But eventually, she realized that student life on campus wasn’t all about studying. There are times one genuinely long for companionship. Not the kind her roommates had. She desired one that didn’t involved body parts. Deep conversations and hugs. That far and nothing further.

But the friendships with guys start as simple friendships and quickly self-update to something else she isn’t ready for.

Or was she fooling herself that she wasn’t ready? She looked herself over in a mirror to be sure. She was older than some of those girls in her room. If they could have boyfriends, why couldn’t she?

But she had promised herself to focus on school and only date after graduation. She sounded pleased with herself when she made that resolution. But here in the university, everything around her seemed to mock the naivity of such a decision.

Loneliness caused her to question herself and her determination several times. Her high school was far up in the north and she was the only student of her batch that had made it this far. She had no former schoolmates to chat with and play with. She had to make new friends from scratch. What made making new friends difficult was her nature. She was the quiet, shy time that preferred being in her corner.

How she wished her parents knew how uni life was. They had never been to the university so it’s hard explaining reality on the ground to them.

For instance, at the end of the month they send very little money for her upkeep. Back home where they lived, that was a lot of money. But in the city here, it wasn’t even enough for a week. And when she tried explaining it to her mom, her mom tells her that’s all she could raise. Her father was already overburdened with school fees of her siblings and other responsibilities.

Sometimes Mina wondered why parents give birth to children they cannot cater for. But as she looked at the wonderful siblings she had, she also wondered which of them shouldn’t have been born.

There’s this boy that’s been pestering her. Initially, she was bold to tell him No. But with time the resistance weakened. And she felt this growing need to prove to her roommates that she knew what’s up. She even once overheard them gossiping and giggling that she was a virgin.

Back home, it was a source of pride, something to make one feel a lady of virtue. Here in her hostel, it was a source of mockery.

Perhaps, she needs to limit the number of hours she spent in that room. The negative vibes were too much to handle. But where to go? The library? That place  full of dead, boring books so old and smelly they repel spiders and other insects? No way!

No wonder these days everyone thinks of furthering their studies abroad where there was access to modern books and libraries.

Perhaps, she should give in and see how it feels. She can’t grow old without bad stories to tell. The other day she overheard one elderly woman in her late forties lamenting that being a good girl in this country didn’t pay. It was the bad girls who got good husbands.

Mina had always insulted the guy who’s been asking her out. Now how does she suddenly switch to been nice to him? How does she start? She thought hard. She didn’t know even accepting a date required thinking.

Suddenly that ugly head of his began to appear appealing, he’s become her ticket to a perverse life she was dying to taste.

But what if… ?

She stopped her brain from going there. Forbidden territory! She closed her eyes and calmed herself, assuring herself that if mankind always thought of ‘What ifs’, the world would still be in the Stone Age. Risks brought progress.

But what does she say to him? He’ll definitely ask what made her change her mind. What does she say?

She imagined all the things they’ll be doing together. He looked like he had money. If he didn’t, it would be too bad. Her roommates would surely have a good laugh at her…

Now that Mina looked back on all these things that happened two years ago, how she wished she had never started. How she wished she kept herself to herself. The depths she’s descended, so low if she were mined the machines wouldn’t find her. All in the name of proving a point or two to her roommates.

If only she had a big sister to advise her when she first arrived on campus. Sometimes, she wished she could reach deep inside her and uproot everything he’s ever deposited in her, blot out every memory of him. The guilt was too much.

Now she realized there was nothing enviable about the lifestyle of her roommates.
She never mentioned a word to anyone. Her friends and her parents always saw the good girl they sent away to study. They had no idea what she had done to herself.

If that boy were a flag, everyday she would walk on it, tear it to pieces, burn some parts and let a tailor resew so that she could repeat the process.

Unfortunately, it was only in her little head this drama could unfold.

But it was all good. It has left her a wiser Mina now. No idiot would be allowed to mine her self-esteem ever again.