I used to crave for attention. I would do anything to get it, although at the time I didn’t realize it was an obsession, tainted with subtle pride.

It started in my childhood when a neighbor’s wife used to call my brother and send him on errands. She would sometimes give him gifts for being a good boy. I wanted that. I wanted it to be me. I wanted to be her favorite boy.

And so the next time she asked of my brother, I told her I would love to be sent. And that was how it started.

Then we moved to a new school. I was sent to deposit some books on the teacher’s table in the staff common room. There, I heard the teachers speaking well of a certain student I hadn’t seen before. They said he was intelligent, and very calm. The male and female teachers all spoke affectionately about this boy.

I heard it all. And I wanted it to be me instead. I was determined to be the talk of the school. And I started working hard, so hard I forgot why I even started. But it wasn’t long before they began talking. Of course, about me. They said I was calm, intelligent and different among my peers. They gave me one nickname after the other. Seems one was not good enough for the many attributes.

In church youth services, my hand went up first whenever it was time for questions after a sermon. Each time I was to make a contribution, I tried to remember something profound I read in one of my father’s books I stole to read. I wanted them to know I was well read and had deep things to say.

During job interviews I would go to all lengths to convince the employer that I was the man for the job. In romantic relationships I would go to all lengths to conjure the best strategy to get her to say yes.

Little did I know how ugly the desperation to fit in every place and in every heart looked like. If only I had a mirror. The ones at home only showed my face and figure. I wished I could see beyond the skin.

If only I knew the power of staying calm and just being oneself, not forcing things, allowing certain relationships to take their natural course, I wouldn’t have boxed myself into holes I didn’t belong.

If only I knew that the universe was full of countless opportunities, and that when one opportunity slips by, many comes along for a chance to redeem oneself, I would have been more patient, patient enough to find my tribe and vibe with my clan.

I still see traces of the virus in my blood, in my need to appear friendly in new settings, still not realizing that sometimes staying in the background in new environments helps me see things differently, enabling me to be selective and effective in my associations.

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