-our sister Lalé was robbed last night. She was returning from work around 1am and noticed a dubious figure following her at a distant. She quickened her pace. So did her intruder. Upon reaching the gate to the house, she found it locked and she began screaming, “Thief! Thief! Thief!” But no one came out to her rescue and her assailant snatched her handbag containing two phones, her room keys and her sales for yesterday.                                Now if we, the tenants of this house, were united, this wouldn’t have happened.

-what do you mean?

-Let me finish…

-Look at the hour at which she came back from work. What sort of job is it? And couldn’t she have slept at her workplace or with someone who lived around there for her own safety?

-As she approached the gate, she could have called someone in the house to meet her or to open the gate for her, but she didn’t.

-Eheh!!!

-But where is she herself?

– Gone to the police station or perhaps to look for a carpenter to break her door since she lost the keys…For all you know, she’s gone to recount the incident to her many lovers in the neighborhood.

-Well, as I was saying…we are divided. We must be united. If we were united, we would not be asleep while our co-tenant was being robbed.                                          When I was coming to this house, I heard lots of rumours about the daily conflicts that existed among the tenants.                    I don’t want to mention names but I think if we must progress, we need to open up these issues and solve them here.                            Let me start with mine. Mr. Adé, I have a problem with you. I don’t like to keep things in my heart so I am opening up before everybody here and after I have said what’s on my heart, feel free to say your mind too. Tell me if I am wrong or at fault in any way too.                             One late night about 11pm, I opened the gate for Madame Céline and locked it back. In less than a minute, you were at the gate too, banging furiously and insulting me that I saw you walking towards the gate and  shut you behind  it whereas I never saw you coming.                                                   What you did that day made me very angry. You insulted me and insulted my wife too.

-So what do you have to say to that, Mr. Adé?  

-Nothing. 

-Aaaaahhhhh!!!!! 

-What do you mean by ‘nothing’?   

-Excuse me, I will be back.  

-Sit down! The meeting isn’t over yet.

-I put something on fire, I have to turn it off.

-And where is Babara? 

-If her husband is here, she doesn’t need to be present.

-Me too, I have a problem with Madam Céline. Pastor is here, he will bear me witness. My spirit is not at peace whenever I see her. I have been having nightmares of her in my dreams. In short, she is a witch and I don’t see myself reconciling with a witch!

-Ei!!!!!

-Look here, Tina, some things are best left unsaid. How can you say such a thing when we are trying to unify the tenants in this house?

-Madame Céline, where are you going?

-You all heard what this little illiterate frog called me : a witch! I won’t sit down for another fool to call me a vampire.

-But how does your leaving resolve matters? Come back and sit down!

-Christmas is coming and cases of thefts have become rampant. Two days ago, Steven woke up to find the padlock to his room peppered with glue till it was unlocked.                                                   Last week, a burglar cut open Mémé’s window and made away with a saucepan and a handbag  containing her ID cards and some money sent her by her son Abiah living in Germany.                     Three days ago, Pastor was attacked in broad daylight a few metres from the Celeste Temple behind our house. In broad daylight!                                          We must be united and find a solution. Let’s be our brother’s keeper.

-I suggest we contribute and buy a padlock for the gate. Everyone must have a spare key and we must fix a big, bright lamp in front of the gate to dissuade burglars from coming to the house. Everyone must fix a bright bulb in front of his door so our house will be well-lit.

-There used to be lights all over the house when robbers came to our room and robbed us…

-Gina, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t fix lights in the house. At least, it will minimize the thefts. If there was light at the gate, Lalé would have seen the face of the guy that snatched her handbag from her last night.

-Let’s not forget to exchange contacts. Take the mobile phone numbers of at least three tenants. When coming home late, call someone to open the gate for you.

-But that doesn’t mean when I am busy having sex with my wife, I will stop and come and open the gate for you. I am telling all of you in advance. If you call me and I am not responding, at least you know why…the fact that we exchange numbers doesn’t mean I must open the gate for you when you call. No one pays my rent for me. No one feeds me…so I am not obliged to open the gate for anyone just because you are my neighbor…learn to come home early…

-Oh stop that your silly attitude and those silly remarks…

-How can we exchange contacts if we harbor bitterness and conflicts among ourselves? See my arm, feel this swollen part…I broke it while trying to jump the gate wall one night after banging on Namdi’s window several times and getting no response. The gate was locked and he heard me calling him but he didn’t respond. He did it intentionally because we are at loggerheads.

-Sorry about that. I was asleep. But you Fuseini, you slept with Linda when your wife travelled and when I confronted you about it, you got angry and stopped greeting me. When I greet you too, you don’t respond.

-Namdi, do you want to destroy his marriage or bring harmony to this house? You are an elderly man. You should know that such a matter could have been resolved privately between you two.

-But were you not the one who started this issue of opening up and reconciliation? You started beating the drums, we are dancing and now you are complaining that you are not pleased with our dance moves. Did you indicate what we could open up about and what should be reserved for private talks?

-Here comes Lalé. 

-She is the lady that was robbed last night.

-Good morning! 

  -Morning!!!!

-Come and sit by me, Lalé.

-No, I will be back. I went to look for a carpenter.

-Let’s hurry with this meeting. I am getting late for church. Today is Sunday.

-When new tenants come to the house, the old tenants pollute their minds with gossip and soon they take sides in conflicts they know nothing about.

-Tina, why are you looking at my face when you spoke? Have I taken sides with anyone against you these few days I arrived in this house? If you have a good character and a good heart, why should you be bothered about the false rumours others are spreading against you?

-Herh! What’s that supposed to mean? See,  Mr. ….

-Assamouah.

-…or whatever you call yourself. What are you insinuating by that? Let me tell you, if you don’t know where to poke your long ugly nose, you can start with your wife’s wilted and dusty braids that need fixing…and don’t forget to buy her new pants and bras…We’ve seen what she’s been drying on the dry line…it’s disgusting…She is an ugly wife. She’s the perfect match for an ugly man like you. Try and buy her beautiful underwear. It might boost her self-esteem. Idiot!

-Tina, where are you going? Come back! Why is everyone leaving? …But the meeting isn’t over?   Steven?…Namdi!…Fuseini!…Pastor!

-I won’t sit for any imbecile to call me names and provoke me to do something I will later regret. …And you Gatti, you convened this meeting and you couldn’t even call this little parrot that calls itself Tina to order when things were going chaotic…you just sat there like a lizard having an orgasm…staring at everyone as if you were seeing them for the first time…mtcheewwww!

-Wait! ….Wait!….Come back! Monsieur George is here. Come back…Tina…..Fuseini!….Oh!…..

-That is the landlord. Monsieur George.

-Why is he called “Monsieur”?

-He is from Benin.

-Meaning?    

-He’s French. Fool. Must you be told something that obvious? Travel and learn a little sense…

 -And you, with all your travels,  what have you to show for it except joblessness and tales of sex adventures with Liberian prostitutes. Donkey! How dare you call me a fool? It is your MOTHER and FATHER and…..

  -Enough! Fuseini! I said enough. …I don’t live in this house but as your landlord I don’t like it whenever I come and  tenants are drumming complaints into my already congested head. I have enough family problems to last me this year and beyond. Today I want us to resolve all these petty petty issues once and for all…

-How can we have peace? How can we prosper in this house when at midnight, you our landlord come and stand in front of our house naked with salt in a bowl, performing devilish rituals?      

    -Tina!!!! Eh!!! Hmmm!!!!

– You just open your mouth and out comes garbage. No bowl inside that tin can of a head sitting on your neck to measure the quantum of shit churned out…

-See, Pastor, if those deliverance sessions you’ve been organizing for the women in this house that i said i won’t attend that is eating you up, you might as well go and burn in the sea! I won’t come and let you lay those dirty fingers of yours on my breast and pubic hair and ask me to confess to sins I know nothing about…

-You ugly little nosy bitch. Before I come back tomorrow, you’ve packed your rugs and left my house. If I am the devil retarding your progress, why I you hiding under my roof? Did you ever hear your name in my chants?     

  -See, it is pretty obvious that the more we try to resolve our past differences and unite, the worse our relationships becomes. It seems we are an exception to the saying, “united we stand”. Let’s let sleeping dogs lie. Just a few puppies we’ve awoken and see the mess. You can imagine the aftermath of waking up the giant war dogs.

      – United we fall.

-Whether united we fall or rise, it gives no imbecile the right to call a fellow tenant names. Let’s learn to address each other with respect. You can’t demand respect. You earn it.

– Ei, Adjamo, for the first time since you came to this house, you have said something sensible. I will drink to that. After years of womanizing, I thought you’ve probably depleted your testicles of common sense…

– Heh! Stop fighting you two! Monsieur George! Ah! Why is every leaving? …Hoh!

Listen, Gatti. Whatever seed of confusion you and your cousin Monsieur George have sown in this house, I, Fuseini Ganiyu, will water it and make sure it germinates and bear fruits and you both will harvest and eat it and jog around for it to digest and shit it in my presence before you both will know peace…

THE END.